Everywhere I look there I am

Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Long Lost Blog

I have a date tonight, but not just any date...a blind date. Even scarier than it being a blind date, is that fact that my mother has been the catalyst of this date. Is it doomed for failure? I don't want to think so, but it is quite possible. Mom has different tastes than do I. Nonetheless this should be interesting. His name is Jay and he lives in New Braunfels. All I know about him is that he is tall, sandy blonde hair, with hazel eyes. So far so good, but I'm still worried about his build, personality, stamina j/k:), but I guess only time will tell...and that will be tongiht!
I'm really scared though...What if I think I like him, what if he doesn't like me or vice-versa? What if he calls me tomorrow and wants to start dating me? I don't think I'm capable of dating anyone right now. Okay, I have to slow down, and take deep breathes, I am getting way too worked up right now.
So to take my mind off of things, Let me tell you about Danny. Danny is from NB, I have known him since my freshman year of college. He is sweet and funny. His laugh is contagious, just for the pure fact that it is hilarious. It so high pitched and just so different. He is absolutley adorable, and I like him a lot, the only problem is that I find it so hard to let myself be nice(Unless we are alone, of course). I won't call him, in fact I refuse to call him. I don't want to put myself out there to be hurt and rejected. I don't/can't handle rejection, so in my mind the easiest thing to do is reject everyone before they have a chnace to reject you. I know that is a fucked up way of looking at things, but it is what I have resorted to. I have a deep underlying fear of, well....people. I have a fear that no man will ever love me as much as my ex-boyfriend did. I have a fear that I will never love anyone more than I loved John. With all the love we had, we still failed so it seems to me that everything is eventual. It will all fail, so why give effort just to lose?
On to a better subject...I bought my plane fare to Vegas today for Feburary. It is going to my roommate Lori, our best friend Jennifer, and myself. We are going for 4 nights and 3 days. I can't wait.Speaking of Vegas, Lori and I were watching TV last night, when I started to think about the last time I went to Vegas. I met the most amazing guy there. His name was Ryan and the way he looked at me, I don't think I've ever had anyone look at me with quite as much depth as he did. It went by so fast. We met and hung ot the entire night. He walked me back to my door and we started making out like little teenagers. It was the first time I had ever kissed a guy with a beard and mustache. The next night, I met him out with his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend. He had already told them all about me! We hung out that night as well until I had to take off to catch my plane. We had the most amazing time, just talking and enjoying each other. I know it sounds stupid but that trist meant so much. I remember at one point before I left, he just stared into my eyes, and said that he would never forget the way my curls fell around my face. It is so cheesy but that was the last time I actually believed a guy when he said that I was beautiful. I know....I have guy issues, but anywayz, so I started thinking about him, and I rememebered that he was making a movie and he was a grip of some sort. So I googled him....and I found him. Picture and all. I still have his number somewhere, but I don't think I'll ever make it around to calling him. Don't know what the point of that was, but now I must get back to life instead of memories, and yes...my blind date is going to be here soon, so I must run along and get ready.
Wish me Well.


  • At December 17, 2004 at 3:25 PM, Blogger lola said…

    Hmmm...sounds a little bit like someone is not practicing what they preach. I believe I was in a similar blind date situation not that long ago and your response was STAY AWAY! My, my, my just look at us now. Trauncing out the door to meet someone who could be, and I quote, "either hideous looking with horrible teeth and bad breath or dumb as a box of rocks". You're such a little tart.


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